Does my big gay ass look fat in these jeans? Think before you answer. (By the way, this is “cl
AT A GLANCE: Get a FREE full-length electronic copy of my book in exchange for posting your review online. Hey fans! I need people to review my book, which curiously enough is entitled, “A Slow, Painful Death Would Be Too Good For You (and Other Observations): A Pillow Book For Dyspeptics”. As a writer whose name is not yet on everyone’s lips — and trust me, once I find out who slipped up on the everyone’s-lips thing, there is going to be a “conversation” — I need these reviews to encourage others to buy. In the end, they’re like testimonials, if you think about it. <crickets> My book, as you probably know by now, is a collection of (mostly) humorous personal essays ranging in length from 2 pages to 10 pages at the most lengthy. All told in my inimitable, sarcky, splenetic, dyspeptic, silly, and downright irrelevant voice. Some of them started out on this blog in embryonic form, but do not think that this is merely a lazy re-purposing of my blog! They are entirely rewritten and reworked to the point of being brand new, never -before seen. Imagine that my essays are like George Bailey in “It’s A Wonderful Life”, and it’s that scene where he finds out what the world would have been like without him. You would be, as it were, his mother who doesn’t recognize him when he comes calling. Except you wouldn’t slam the door. And full disclosure, I’ve just invited Kim Kardashian to plead my case with Trump, so he should pardon me and give me sweet, sweet release from my lifetime sentence of having to get up in the morning and do stuff. But until she gets back from Trader Joe’s, I’m clawing at the walls, like a medieval anchorite who thought, “Mother Superior told me this is going to be killer publicity for the convent! And they’ll never let me go through with it! I reckon two days, tops!” So I still need people to review my book. Why you should stop being so high-maintenance and just do this: My book is perfect reading for summer, especially if you keep falling asleep at the beach and dropping “Moby Dick” on your face. Or winter, if you’re in Australia. But, be you antipodean or just regular-podean, you can dip into it at your leisure, because it’s not a straight read-through kind of book. It’s little chapters which are short, funny, satirical and above all pithy, and when I say pithy I mean just filled to the cotton-pickin’ brim with pith.
So like, pick it up, just absolutely thrash about in the mad pithiness of it all; chortle; shake your head with an affectionate but bemused expression of, “That David! He’s just such a li’l ol’ freckle faced rascal!,” put down again. I mean, god forfend that you should have to actually finish anything. Break a diamond-studded nail implant! Also, if I were giving you a copy of the paperback, which I’m not, it would, in that purely hypothetical situation, look great next to the john. This is assuming that your john is indoors, made of porcelain by American Standard and has an environmentally-conscious flush that emits a scant teaspoon of water, so you have to either push repeatedly on the button, thereby completely negating the environmentally conscious intent, or just cut way way down on the fibre supplements. Or — and this selling point could actually pertain to our situation — you could even read the PDF version in the bath, on your handheld device. And if it falls into the soapy hot water, oh, well, it falls into the soapy hot water. It’s always just two weeks away from the next Apple OS update with redesigned chargers, so you’re overdue for a new whatever-it was-before-you-drowned-it-like-an-adorable-but-unwanted-kitten at any rate, so no big deal. What I need from you: (Just so we’re on the same page here, when I say, “need”, I mean need like Kim needs a weekly “Brazilian”. Like, seriously need.) Regarding the content of your review: Let’s be perfectly clear. I want you to give your honest, real opinion. This is quite different from the content I would like you to give if the question was, for example, “Does my big gay ass look fat in these jeans?” So what I’m asking for today is quite different from the usual situation, where your honest, real opinion is less important than, say, utterly pandering to my need for constant validation so that you hopefully avoid triggering a total narcissistic breakdown, with me crying and gasping that nothing ever goes right for me. So that’s not what I want, at least on this occasion. N.B. Please do not misunderstand and stop utterly pandering to me the rest of the time. It’s just for the book review. Let’s be clear: I want you to write in your own voice, with integrity and honesty, and give your truthful opinion as you would for any kind of product or app review. So, to continue with your brief: Read the book or dip into as much as you like of it. Go to three or four sites that I’ll provide to you and post your short review (100 words or so). No, I absolutely do NOT want to read the review first, BUT — — don’t be a shmuck and post a review hating my book, OK? Please. If you hate my book, say nothing. Or just tone down your schadenfreude until you only vaguely dislike my book. Or, here’s a review you can use if you hate my book: “This book was absolutely incredible! And the humor! OMFG! I didn’t know writing like this was possible! Left me speechless!” It’s just an example, OK? What you’ll get: an electronic copy of the book for free. (PDF OR e-book format, whichever you prefer). My gratitude. Please do not say, “Is that it?“, then shake your MacBook Air repeatedly trying to get the gratitude to fall out, thinking that it’s maybe gotten stuck in the corners. Gratitude is an intangible reward. If it’s tchotschkes you’re wanting, you should buy some Cracker Jack, maybe! Sheesh! Please comment below to volunteer or message me. Seriously.